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Realizing that I have no memory of what I’ve learned, seen, or come to know over the past eight years leaves me bewildered and frustrated, with sighs escaping me. Tears of emotion well up, and as the sins I’ve committed come to mind, tears keep falling.
Through the writings of my brothers and sisters, I’ve come to see that it wasn’t just my own pain—they’ve endured far greater suffering, hardship, and struggles than I have. So, moving forward, I don’t want to focus only on my own pain and struggles but to pray and live for those who are hurting and suffering. Sella’s writing was a shock among shocks, a deeply moving experience. It showed how the gift of tongues from God can transform the heart, enable one to have a beautiful spirit, achieve complete repentance, and be led by power to truly turn toward God. It ignited in me a hope to walk that same path. Reading Silin’s writing, I saw someone who once seemed like a fragile, weak-hearted girl but has now grown, showing depth and height. She felt like a great, trustworthy person, much like Sella. Reading this, I see the shallow, shallow bottom of my own heart.
It feels as though I’ve lived a life irrelevant to the truth, unable to hear, see, or accept it, which makes my heart feel stifled. Sighs come naturally, and seeing the shallowness of my heart’s state, I cry even more, wondering in despair if we can truly follow this path well as a united “us.” That I can return here again is God’s grace, a near-miraculous event. If it’s not too late, I want to start anew all the things I couldn’t do before and walk this path together. It’s been a dream planted in me for a long time, a path I’ve longed for, and I hope to walk it once more.
Surely, I can’t do it on my own—I’m the lowest of the low, a sinner among sinners. I’ll stumble countless times due to emotions and habits, but I want to turn back from the excessive heart I’ve ignored and lived with, pressing forward with prayer. Like that first love, I want to hold onto hope and live with all my strength, striving to follow God’s will. I don’t want to live like I did over the past eight years, so I hope to pray more, work harder, examine my problems and reflect on myself, and live that way. It’s an unfamiliar path, one I haven’t tried, one that feels unknown, but all I can do is take small actions, make small efforts with my heart, reflect, and live praying to God.
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