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What is truth to me? I want to express, even just a little, in words all that I have seen, heard, learned, and experienced so far. Since childhood, I vaguely attended church and believed in God, but there was always a lingering doubt in one corner of my heart: Does God really exist? Even while attending church, the Bible was merely a textbook unrelated to me, and instead of finding anything to learn or emulate in the pastors who claimed to testify about God, I saw them mistreating congregants for the sake of money. Eventually, I gave up, resigning myself to the belief that “God does not exist.”
When I was very young, I once picked up a coin on the street. Though no one taught me, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, trembling with fear as if I had committed a grave sin. That vivid feeling of guilt and fear remains clear even now. Like everyone else, my heart as a child was so pure. But as I reached my mid-20s and grew older, I became jaded by life, and my conscience grew numb to the guilt of repeated sins. Seeing my heart becoming dirtier, I wondered, “Can I really go to heaven just by attending church?” The Bible says that only those who are pure, clear, and innocent like a lamb can enter heaven. If God truly exists, I had countless questions I wanted to ask, but I buried them in my heart and continued attending church like a student going to school. For six months, I prayed alone. It was so frustrating and difficult. Life was hard, and with no one to rely on, I found myself seeking the God I had denied. If God is truly alive, I desperately prayed for Him to show me how to live according to His will and how to reach heaven after death.
Later, I realized that even those prayers were guided by God through my conscience. By chance, I came across a teacher’s videos and writings on an internet site, and I sought him out without hesitation. The teacher’s appearance was strikingly different from the pastors I had seen. Though he lived in a modest basement, he welcomed me, a stranger, with a gentle face that seemed to embrace the entire world, as if greeting a child. From him, I felt an indescribable warmth and peace. He spoke to me about what truth is and shared prasies to God. I don’t know why I wept so passionately, but I can never forget the beauty of that praises. Should I call it a mysterious and beautiful poem, unlike anything I had ever heard? It wasn’t something a human could simply memorize. At the time, I was suffering from depression, my body and mind in pain. Yet, the teacher’s warm prayer of praise felt like an invisible wave flowing into my heart, soothing and healing me. I could only listen, tears streaming down, entranced.
After meeting the teacher, I began living with him, leaving the secular world behind to keep my vow to live according to God’s will. Every day, as I saw, heard, and learned the Word, I was astonished to discover passages in the Bible I had never noticed, realizing how blind I had been. Why was I born into this world? Why are some born into poverty, others into wealth, and some as disabled? For all the questions about the ways of the world that I had never dared ask, the teacher found and explained answers from Bible verses. Even when I had doubts about the Bible or events in daily life, he answered based on Scripture, and those days were filled with awe and wonder. Shouldn’t a true shepherd sent by God, who teaches the truth, be able to answer any question about the ways of the world with clarity, as the teacher did? I had never seen or heard of anyone who claimed to be God’s shepherd yet could answer any question as clearly as he did. Even when I ran out of questions, the teacher was always ready with calm, prepared answers. Seeing him, I marveled at witnessing the wisdom of the Creator, not mere human intellect.
I believe everyone living in this world has questions they would ask the God who created it. Before meeting the teacher, I was the same, but now all my questions have been resolved, and I have no more to ask. “The truth will set you free,” Christ’s words, now make sense to me. No matter how diligently one attends church or cathedral, those who haven’t experienced this truth will never understand it. Through the teacher’s teachings, I learned that the Bible is not just a human-made textbook but the only divine book showing humans how to live according to God’s will—a living truth. All the painful, sad, regretful, and shameful memories I wanted to forget have become precious treasures to me. Those pains and sorrows taught me how to understand and embrace brothers and sisters in similar situations. I finally understood Christ’s words: “Do not seek worldly things but seek love, and all will be added to you.” When I sought not my own gain but the ability to love my brothers and sisters, my heart overflowed with happiness, gratitude, joy, and peace—an indescribable fullness as if I possessed the entire world. This was the truth I had been searching for. To follow that love, to become like God who is love, and to fulfill that love—this was the truth I sought. I began to understand Christ’s words: “Blessed are the poor, blessed are those who mourn.” I realized that following God’s will and the truth requires abandoning everything, and why it is harder for a rich man to enter heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. Before, I couldn’t comprehend it. I saw that those who merely carry a Bible, attend church, repent, sin again, and repeat, or those who commit evil while claiming to believe in God, can never enter heaven. Though these truths are in the Bible, I was blind and didn’t know until I saw them through the teacher’s life and teachings, who embodied that love.
When the teacher prays prophetic prayers, I feel God’s power and living presence even more. When my heart is weary and exhausted, hearing his beautiful praises brings overwhelming tears, melting my cold heart and warming it. Those who haven’t experienced this won’t understand. These praises heal sick minds and bodies, revealing God’s living power. During prophetic prayers, the teacher sometimes praises like a child, sometimes offers teachings, and sometimes delivers stern rebukes. When he rebukes me as if he knows all my sins and shame, I feel like a lion is roaring, my body freezes, and I’m struck with shame as if stripped naked, automatically turning back to repentance. Through these rebukes, I feel God’s living presence again.
Comparing myself to the teacher, who bears the nine fruits of the Spirit and testifies to God’s love, I’ve spent ten years reflecting. I learned that only by receiving God’s grace can one change, but since I haven’t fully received it, I struggle in the cycle of sin, lamenting my wretched state and praying to become like the teacher. Though he looks human like us, his inner self is entirely different. I can’t find in him the selfish heart or greed that humans inevitably have. After ten years by his side, I and others who’ve lived with him know him best. The teacher has none of the seven evil emotions listed in the Bible: hatred, strife, jealousy, lust, pride, deceit, or quarrels. All humans instinctively harbor these emotions, the root of sin, but the teacher has no greed for his own gain. He lives for the flock, serving and sacrificing everything for the poor and needy. Seeing him, I truly felt that God is love and learned the meaning of Christ’s sacrificial love on the cross.
When my evil emotions arise while living with brothers and sisters, the teacher teaches that these emotions are worse than outward sinful actions. The Bible clearly states that those who harbor the seven evil emotions—jealousy, hatred, anger, pride, deceit, strife, lust—are children of the devil and guilty of a capital crime. Before meeting the teacher, I didn’t even know these verses existed. I was taught that harboring sinful emotions all week, repenting at church on Sunday, and receiving forgiveness would get me to heaven. So, I repented every Sunday, but my heart was always burdened with guilt. I knew something was wrong, but no one taught me, and I couldn’t learn, so I just followed others. My conscience was dying, defiled by repeated evil emotions. God showed me mercy, guiding my weary, empty conscience to seek the truth—how to live according to His will. I learned that God works through the conscience, and only by living with a good conscience, bearing the nine beautiful fruits of the Spirit, can one become God’s child and enter heaven. Now, everything in my heart is evidence to me. To love my brothers as myself, I must fully abandon myself, but it’s not easy. When I clash with others, my evil emotions arise. To live by the Word, I must kill these emotions and love my brothers more than myself, but I struggle, fall, and despair. Seeing my bad habits and the seven evil emotions that instantly lead to sin, I feel trapped in a cycle. Yet, when I earnestly pray, I experience something miraculous. In situations where I’d normally be consumed by emotions and sin, if I don’t neglect prayer, I see myself calmly overcoming those emotions before they take hold. I desperately want to live by the Lord’s command to pray without ceasing, but living in the flesh, I realize my resolutions and efforts alone can’t free me from these sinful emotions. The only way out is receiving God’s grace, as the teacher taught, but I haven’t even received the gift of tongues, the foundation of all gifts. Seeing a colleague who received it transform and bear the nine fruits of the Spirit, I realize God’s grace is not just words but power. The gift of tongues is a precious gift given only to those who abandon worldly things, live solely for God’s will, and are willing to sacrifice their lives for their brothers, as Christ did. I still can’t abandon myself, though I desperately long for this gift, and I feel pathetic and lamentable.
Studying for a top university like Seoul National is hard, but entering heaven is incomparably harder. If those who live for worldly pleasures, ignore God’s will, and merely carry a Bible could enter heaven, the Bible would be false, and God a fake. While temporarily away from the teacher due to family ties, I realize everything I learned from him is true. Like trying to cover the sky with my hand, I can’t deny the truths I learned through God’s grace via my conscience. Living in the world, the boundary between a spiritual life following God’s will and a fleshly life becomes clearer. My conscience feels like a heavy stone on my chest, suffocating me. In the world, I can’t follow God’s will; chasing worldly things breeds endless sin, killing my conscience. I experience this daily through my body. The Creator God exists, and the truth is real, revealed through the Bible, but people chase success and happiness, ignorant of their sins. The difference between my past worldly self and now is that I clearly see and feel the sins in my heart. Before, I was numb to sin, but now, as emotional sins accumulate, my heart becomes defiled, desolate, and suffocated, and I feel my conscience dying. Knowing I wouldn’t even feel this without God’s grace, I thank Him and seek His mercy daily. Many who attend church or cathedral act righteous outwardly but harbor the seven evil emotions inwardly. Can they enter heaven? Can they be called God’s children?
Through the teacher, I saw God’s love. His sharp, clear words, like a sword distinguishing good from evil, became my standard. In my heart, one part struggles to pursue righteousness, while another falls to sin, fighting as the Bible describes. These experiences confirm that the truth, though invisible, is a living power. To follow it, I must abandon my dreams, hopes, and self, but without God’s grace, I can’t do it alone. I know I can’t change or escape sin’s cycle without His grace, so I desperately seek it. After over ten years, I’ve learned I’m a sinner who can’t escape sin’s chains without God’s grace, no better than a crawling worm. Today, I reflect on myself again.
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